Does your holiday usually consist of recurring disagreements? If so, perhaps you should skip that romantic getaway intended to sort everything out, and opt for simple relationship counselling instead.
– Doing lots of small, loving things every day is more important than going on a romantic weekend, says psychologist Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand.
Consider what you usually argue about, how you can make it more constructive, and how you can make up faster.
Most couples argue at some point during their holiday. But it doesn't have to be negative, if you do it the right way.
– One doesn't need to be afraid of arguments! If you argue constructively and resolve the conflict, it can lead to better understanding each other, says Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand, who has written the book Relationskuren – tre veckorsprogram för parterapi (Natur & Kultur). The view of arguments as something negative can be rooted in the myth that happy couples never argue and always want to do the same things.
– But as I said, that's a myth. Don't compare yourselves to others, but start from what
works for you. The trick is also to be prepared when the argument eventually arises. It is also a good idea to talk about what you are likely to disagree about even before the holiday.
– Think about what you usually argue about, how you can make it more constructive, and how you can make up faster. You often know when you've reached a point in an argument where it can only go downhill, think about how you can pause when you reach that point, says Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand. Some common topics of contention on holiday are
that one partner gets stuck with the children and the responsibility for everyone's well-being while the
Andrea is lying in the hammock.
Another conflict is how and when to socialise with the other's families. Talk in advance about how you will socialise and with whom. It is also common for unstated expectations to cause problems.
– It's easy to become disappointed and angry when things don't go as we want them to. We might expect others to have the same expectations as ourselves, but while one person looks forward to a barbecue dinner, another might just want to eat yoghurt. The solution is to increase communication and preparation before the holiday.,
Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand's blog:
– Many couples unthinkingly repeat their last holiday. They do the same thing every summer and think that everything
This time will be different. But holidays are a mirror of everyday life; they won't be different unless you make an effort, she says. The same applies to sex lives, which many couples try to liven up during the holiday period.
– Desire doesn't just arrive out of the blue. Generally, I think couples talk too little about their sex lives, or they talk about sex in a negative way. For example, it might be that one person wants sex more often while the other isn't as interested. Instead of saying, ”you never want to,” you can try to talk through what you need to feel desire. What kind of touch do you like and what do you long for?
– Think of sex from a broader perspective. Long hugs, bathing together, and going to a concert and holding hands are also pleasurable. These specific kinds of small things are often neglected when you become parents or embark on a major renovation project of the summer cottage.
– Think about how you were at the beginning of the relationship. What did you do then to be loving? Start doing small things like giving your partner a back rub or buying something small they like when you're out shopping. Own the change yourself and take responsibility for how you want to be as a partner, says Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand.
This is because it's not uncommon to do the opposite – you try to get your partner to be better at showing love. The method Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand works with, Integrative Behavioural Couple Therapy, is instead about learning to accept your partner and seeing them as ”good enough”.
- Your partner is not a project for change. Perhaps you can let things be instead of criticising each other? Try to see with appreciation that you do things in different ways. It might even be a strength.
The psychologist's three tips for a more loving late summer
- I usually start by encouraging couples to practice listening to their partner. Direct all your attention to your partner for a while each day. Be curious, it makes them feel seen and loved. Ask questions, for example ”how was your day”? Listen to the answer and follow up on loose ends, even on subsequent days. Give each other your undivided attention for a while each day.
- Do things together when you have a moment to spare, for example when the children
playing.
– Parties don't have to be so grandiose, says Susanna Tagesdotter Hagstrand. Be present with each other, sit for a while and chat a bit or go for a walk. Make the most of those moments when you don't have to be a parent, experience something new, go on an outing to escape everyday life. Seek out those moments.
lovely, relaxed company where you don't have to perform.
- Skip the phone and screen! Research shows that conflicts increase and intimacy decreases when you're stuck in front of a screen. Your partner choosing it over you can spark jealousy, sadness, and the feeling of being left out. Research also shows that if you choose your phone over your partner
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