It's simple, free, and it does both the receiver and the giver good.
– we're talking about compliments. They are also an important social lubricant. But how do you give a compliment that feels genuine and what should you absolutely not say?
The mingling season is here with student parties, a rounders tournament with work, and a garden party with the neighbours. Lovely, some think, while others find it a nightmare to mingle with other people, especially those they don't know very well.
– The fact that one feels uncomfortable at mixers where one might be expected to give compliments is because we are unaccustomed to it. We haven't had as much practice giving and receiving compliments as, for example, in the USA. There, it's a cultural code to throw compliments around, but we mostly find it strange, says psychologist Mattias Lundberg.
Another difference is that in the USA you don't have to mean anything by a compliment, you just blurt out ”I love your shoes!” in passing, almost like a greeting.
And it perhaps doesn't matter so much that a compliment doesn't mean much as it serves its purpose.
Compliments can seem banal, for instance when we praise someone's hairstyle or clothes. However, a research study reported on by the Harvard Business Review shows that the recipient rarely feels uncomfortable; on the contrary, even a banal compliment can brighten their entire day.
Mattias Lundberg believes that we often underestimate the value of compliments.
They function as a social glue between people and help us to connect and show appreciation.
Research shows that both the giver and receiver of compliments benefit from them. Yet, people report giving and receiving far too few compliments. In an American study, 90 percent of participants stated that people should give each other compliments significantly more often. The reason they are so important is that we need to feel significant and appreciated as a partner, colleague, neighbour, parent, and child. Compliments also increase our general well-being and reduce the negative effects of stress, according to research. But how do you actually give a compliment that lands well? Mattias Lundberg believes that it is largely about the context in which it is given.
– If it's in a work context, it's good if the compliment is directed at what the person does, for example, the person's role in the company. ”What a fun and interesting job you have. Tell me more!” can be a natural way to break the ice. However, it's not very appropriate to compliment someone's appearance in a professional context, at least not if you don't know the person, he says.
Looks in general, and weight in particular, are things one shouldn't shower with praise carelessly.
– It can be perceived as crossing a line if you don’t know each other very well. The recipient might feel uncomfortable because the compliment feels unreasonable in that situation.
According to Mattias Lundberg, a good compliment goes deeper, sparks a conversation, but without any self-serving ulterior motive. Instead of just saying ”nice trousers!”, you could add: ”I saw them in a shop window and thought the stripes were so smart.” That way, you can get a conversation going.
If you find compliments a tricky subject, there's only one thing to do: practise.
– Focus on the superficial rather than becoming more personal. The recipient of the compliment should feel comfortable. It's also important that you actually want to give it, otherwise it will feel insincere. Experiment!
One can also prepare for a mingle by considering what one wants to achieve with one's compliments. Is it to make friends or business contacts? One might also ask oneself: Why am I at this mingle? The art of giving compliments may be difficult. But the art of receiving them is too.
Many people actually find it more difficult to receive than to give a compliment. Here too, it's usually a matter of not being used to it, but it can also be down to shyness and insecurity in the situation.
– One can feel a bit taken aback and find it embarrassing. You don't know how to respond to the compliment. If you just reply ”Oh, thanks!” there's a high risk the conversation will die out. Try to elaborate on your answer.
For example, if someone says, ”What a good speech you gave,” you can say thank you but add, ”I appreciate you saying that, I was a bit nervous.”.
– Then you're answering the compliment at the same time as continuing the line of reasoning and inviting conversation, says Mattias Lundberg.
10 Compliments to Try
”You handled the situation very well.” ”You're so on top of things.”
”You make everyday moments feel so special.”
”I'm impressed by your ability to work under stress.”
”You bring out the best in people.”
”Nice outfit.”
”You are so inspiring.”
”You speak in a way that makes people really listen.”
”I can be myself with you.” ”You have such great taste.”
